Rick Perry Devotional: Turning water into wine

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Skippy R

Editor’s Note: Gov. Perry is our guest devotional writer.
(Focal Passage: John 2:1-11) My prayers have been answered. First, Herman Cain is getting worked over by the press for those old sexual harassment suits. And now a video of my New Hampshire speech has gone viral.

Prayer Time With Perry

Prayer Time With Perry

You might think I’d wish it would go away, since I seem to be on quaaludes during the event. Well, you’d be wrong. I feel great about it. Every politician wants to relate to the common man, to be accepted as “one of the guys,” and that’s what this video does for me. What seems like ludicrous irresponsibility actually displays my supreme confidence. I’m so in control I can be out of control, and it doesn’t matter. Will people choose an up-tight professor type like Obama or a laid-back, loose and passionate rancher like myself? The wonder of it is, I got completely soused by drinking only the water that was provided at the event. The J-Man is not only my co-pilot, he’s my bartender too.

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‘In God We Trust’ really, really the U.S. motto now

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Skippy R

God is planning a divine vote next week on whether the members of the U.S. House of Representatives actually trust in Him.  The surprise announcement sent angels, archangels and other heavenly beings rummaging through pearly desk drawers to find voter registration certificates and photo IDs.

GodThe House voted Nov. 1 to reaffirm the national motto, “In God We Trust.”  The motto — inscribed on all coins and dollar bills–was voted into law in 1956 and reaffirmed by votes in 2002 and 2006.  The new reaffirmation encourages display of the motto in all public schools and government buildings

“Methinks they protest too much,” God noted,” if I may quote Shakespeare… and if he was indeed the fellow who wrote all those entertaining plays, but that’s another story. If they were really trusting in Me, they probably wouldn’t have to say it in a motto.”

“But I actually like this new motto better than ‘E Pluribus Unum.’  That puzzled me from the start. What does that really communicate to Americans, anyway, unless they’re priests or Italians?”

“On the other hand, if they call what they’re doing now ‘trust,’ then maybe they DO need to pick a new language. How about some “confianza,” amigos!

“But you gotta be careful. We recently voted to change our own motto up here from the Aristotelian-flavored “proton kinoun akineton”  to the catchier ‘Poppa’s Got A Brand New Bag.’  But it already sounds dated, you know? A little democracy is a dangerous thing.”

“Anyway, I notice that U. S. courts have ruled ‘In God We Trust’ does not violate separation of church and state provisions because it is not an endorsement of religion but merely a ‘ceremonial Deism.’

“So, I guess I shouldn’t be concerned about it one way or the other, since it’s really not about Me at all. It’s about them.”

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Paula Deen’s Southern Cooking Bible heresy

Posted on October 27, 2011 by Skippy R

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bmp_5qv-qAs

We’ve been more than lenient.

When famed Southern Chef Paula Deen was called “the most dangerous person in America” by fellow chef and travel writer Anthony Bourdain, we said, “so what?” and finished off a big plate of Paula’s fried butter balls. When she was criticized for promoting Smithfield Foods pork products while the company was in trouble for being a polluting, monopolistic anti-union harasser of its workers, we didn’t notice. We were chowing down on Paula’s ‘Better than Sex” pineapple coconut cake.

heart attack burgerBut when she released her new book, Paula Deen’s Southern Cooking Bible, she entered the realm of theology, and we felt we should examine the tome for any heretical teachings.

Be glad we did.

The first cardinal sin we discovered was theft. Her recipe for the grilled turkey sandwich known as the Kentucky Hot Brown was actually created at the Brown Hotel in Louisville, Ky., by Fred K. Schmidt in 1926. It’s not her idea at all. More lies appear elsewhere in the book. Example: Her recipe for baked brie with fig jam, which is obviously not a “food” item at all. Finally her bacon cheeseburger meatloaf recipe promiscuously mixes in unclean pork products clearly forbidden in Leviticus 11:7.

Lucky for us she failed to include alluring, lascivious images of her tasty treats, enticing the weak willed into temptation. Thank God!

You’ve no doubt heard of her greatest blasphemy, the Heart Attack Burger– BBQ ground beef with four strips of bacon, two fried eggs and Krispy Kreme donuts for buns.

Thomas Aquinas said it best: “Gluttony denotes, not any desire of eating and drinking, but an inordinate desire… leaving the order of reason, wherein the good of moral virtue consists.”

In short, Paul Deen’s “Bible” is little more than a festering plate of putrefying poached heresy, glazed over with a veneer of powdered sugar. If there is any justice in the universe she will be consigned to the hottest level of Dante’s stovetop and smothered in syrup for eternity.

Next week— A thorough examination of Rose Levy Beranbaum’s Pie and Pastry Bible.

(Editor’s Note: Skippy R. is our culinary and automotive reviewer. The opinions are his own)

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Commentary: All ready for ‘Jesus Ween?’

Posted on October 24, 2011 by Skippy R

Everybody’s made fun of this already (Thanks, Jimmy Kimmel), but hey, can’t Christians leave well enough alone? We complain that we’re persecuted if schools replace the word “holiday” for “Christmas,” then yell at a department store for putting up Christmas decorations TOO early because it’s being materialistic. We might get a more balanced perspective on real persecution if we dressed up like martyred saints for Halloween. I’ll dress up like Fr. Ragheed Aziz Ganni of Iraq, who was pulled over in his car and shot a few years ago when he refused to convert to Islam. You can use a dozen of those fake arrows and liberally apply some ketchup to go trick-or-treating as St. Sebastian, martyred during Emperor Diocletian’s persecution in the 3rd century. This could be more effective than passing out tracts. At least it would shut us up.

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Rick Perry’s Daily Devotional: Be not unequally yoked

Posted on October 24, 2011 by Skippy R

Editor’s Note: Gov. Perry is our guest devotional writer.
The next Republican debate will focus on foreign policy, and I… can’t… wait.

Prayer Time With Perry

Prayer Time With Perry

Herman Pizza-man Cain will flub this one for sure, and push all the evangelical Christians back over to my side again. The whole secret of dealing with foreigners is stated plainly in the scriptures. Open your Bibles, please. Alliances and covenants (treaties) with pagan or ungodly nations are clearly forbidden: See Exod. 23:32; Exod. 34:12-16; Deut. 7:2-4; Judges 2:2-3; Ezra 9:12; even Psa. 106:34-36.
You’d be hard pressed to find a nation that’s NOT idolatrous, even your NATO countries. Treaties with God’s favorite nation Israel, of course, are fine. But we must be wary, since that country, some say, is filled with millions of unbelieving Jews. So it looks like we’ll be acting uni…uni-laterly…er, anyway, we’ll be going it alone. It’s the American way. It’s the Texas way. And, it’s scriptural.

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