Highlander Heritage church movement not just idle claver

Sean McTavish (not his real name) used to be an associate pastor of a mid-sized suburban Baptist church. But he got tired of the lack of passion, the church politics and the convoluted theological sermons he had to sit through. Wasn’t there something better? Something closer to what Our Laird had envisioned for a Christian fellowship?

Highland Kirk

McTavish in his Braveheart - styled clerical gown.

That’s when he discovered the growing Highlander Heritage church movement. Around the country, mostly in rural and outlying areas, often in secret, congregations were forming around a shared Scottish lineage or an interest in all things Celtic/Scottish.

Last year Sean became pastor of the Lampasas Highland Heritage Kirk in central Texas, and he’s never looked back.

“It’s thrilling to see someone in need and in the name of Christ say, ‘Can A gie ye a haund?’ It’s not just the bagpipes during prayer, the haggis and scotch whiskey communions, or throwing the ‘Braemar Stone’ during the Easter Highlander Games on the kirk lawn. It’s something more practical,” he explained.

“Basically, there are a lot of hurting people out there who would never darken the kirk door, but who turn out for a pipeband competition, the gathering of the clans, a caber toss or a Braveheart marathon.”

The Calvinism wasn’t a stretch at all for Sean. The brogue came easily. And his lifelong love of Robert Burns’ poems finally made sense.

But he still hasn’t gotten used to the kilt. In fact, his attempts to don the garment “gang aft agley.”

“Aye, ma heid’s mince and I get fair puckled trying’ to get the thing on over ma biking breeks. Yes, I wear something underneath. You don’t expect me to go completely native, do ye?”

Posted in News | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Highlander Heritage church movement not just idle claver

Back In The Stocks: Robertson’s guessing game with God


We were about to release Pat Robertson from the stocks this week, but had to turn right around and put him back in.

Why? God told the televangelist who’ll win the Presidential election in 2012, but Pat’s keeping it a secret.

In The Stocks“I think He showed me about the next president, but I’m not supposed to talk about that so I’ll leave you in the dark — probably just as well — but I think I know who it’s gonna be,” Robertson said on his Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club.”

The big tease!

We DO know ONE thing. The Almighty is mightily displeased with Robertson’s fellow evangelical, Barack Obama. You may have thought that God was pretty indifferent to anyone else’s agenda. But we learn that God is highly agitated about Obama’s political agenda for America.

“Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority,” Robertson says God told him.  “Expect chaos and paralysis.”

“So I’m saying, God, let me give you some suggestions and you tell me if any of them is right, pick one. I said, is it an EMP blast? No that isn’t it. Is it a cosmic or solar or radiation blast? No. Is it Mayan galaxy alignment? No. Is it Iranian or North Korean nuclear threat? No. Is it an earthquake or a volcano? No. Is it a massive power failure? No. What is it? It’s an economic collapse. And God said, This is not my judgment, they are bringing it upon themselves.”

In The Stocks returns us to the era before mass media, when village miscreants were pilloried for public mocking and ridicule.

Posted in In The Stocks | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Back In The Stocks: Robertson’s guessing game with God

New Taliban office reaching out for peace, understanding

Taliban

How may we direct your call?

Hello, you’ve reached the new Taliban office in Qatar, how may we direct your call?

No, I’m sorry, Mullah Omar is out of the office until 3 p.m. I believe he’s slaughtering a goat for a power lunch with representatives of the Axis of Evil.  He also must stop by the dry cleaners later to pick up his freshly pressed turban. May I ask what this is regarding?

Wonderful, President Karzai. Ending conflict is something we’re all committed to here at the Taliban. In fact, the workmen have just left after putting up the neon sign with our new logo– a star and crescent emblazoned with a fluffy white dove of peace.

What’s that? Oh, of course, I believe we can schedule you for… um, let’s see, does Thursday at 2:15 work for you?

Great! I want to remind you that while we have agreed not to behead our visitors or  beat the soles of their feet to a bloody pulp with rods, male visitors in turn must appear with full beards or they’ll have trouble getting through our armed security screeners. And any women in your party– actually we don’t like to use the term “party” because of its overtones of mirth and frivolity– any women accompanying you must wear a full hijab and have their mouths taped shut during the meeting.

No, these are the same rules for all visitors. Full covering and modest dress for men and women. Well, actually if you are an Orthodox Jew, and are fully covered and modestly dressed, you still can’t come in. Because you are a Jew. Hindus had best wait outside as well.

Um, I’m not sure I know why you’re getting upset, Mr. President. Representatives from the American embassy met with the Mullah yesterday and had no problem wearing  the fake beards we keep on hand for just such occasions.  In fact, as a compromise, we can arrange for an Alexandr Solzhenitsyn-style mustacheless beard for you, if you prefer. After all, we’re all about meeting our adversaries half-way, in the cause of conflict resolution.

Fine. We look forward to seeing you, then,  on Thursday, if God wills.

One more thing. Please leave all iPods and other music players outside in the car. As you know, we can work with people who march to the tune of a different drummer. We just have to smash their drum first, and stifle their tune.

Posted in News | Tagged , , | Comments Off on New Taliban office reaching out for peace, understanding

Rick Perry Devotional: Cleansing the capital

Focal Passage: Matthew 24:2– “Truly I say to you, not one stone here will be left upon another, which will not be torn down.”

Prayer Time WIth Perry

Prayer Time WIth Perry

You may have heard that I told an Iowa audience that Washington doesn’t just need a new coat of paint: “We need to uproot, tear down and rebuild Washington, D.C.,” I told ’em.

I know whereof I speak. During my many trips to D.C. over the last 10 years, I’ve dined at the fanciest restaurants, stayed in the most expensive hotels and hobnobbed with the mighty and the powerful– to the tune of about $200,000 in food and lodging. I had to take a large security detail with me to insure I wouldn’t be infected with the seediness of the place. When I saw all the wasted tax dollars and political posturing going on all around me, I nearly choked on my air-dried Kobe beef appetizer. I can tell you, the whole city is rotten to the core.

But because I’ve been to their hiding places like the lobbyist-friendly Occidental Grill and Cafe Milano, I can find those Washington insiders and smoke ’em out, just like our Lord did to the moneychangers in the Temple.

Of course, I figure my administration will get better results than he did.

Posted in Devotional | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Rick Perry Devotional: Cleansing the capital

X-Rated Toys for PG-Rated People

TOO LATE FOR CHRISTMAS DEPT: My kids once left their David and Bathsheba action figures accidentally together in the bathtub overnight. That’s as close as I’ve ever gotten to a “Christian sex toy.”

I.O.U. Game

The I.O.U. Game, the only image we can safely show you.

Apparently I’m part of a dwindling minority. The Christian sex toy site Book 22 (referring to the Song of Solomon)  promises to “enhance the intimate life of all God’s children.” It’s just part of a growing field catering to  married, heterosexual religious folks, according to an article in The Daily Beast. (The View discussed this more than a year ago, of course).  Other sites include Hooking Up Holy, Intimacy of Eden, and Covenant Spice as well as the Jewish-centered Kosher Sex Toys and El Asira for Muslims.

I say, Praise the Lord! Before these sites were available, the world’s main religions were constantly engaged in pointless wars and hostilities. We eagerly look forward to a dawning era of peace and understanding as their energies become focused elsewhere.

Posted in News | Tagged , , | Comments Off on X-Rated Toys for PG-Rated People