Evangelical endorsements from the grave

Posted on January 13, 2012 by Skippy R

Tim Lahaye, prolific evangelical author of the Left Behind book series, has endorsed Newt Gingrich, and insists that the late Jerry Falwell said before he died that “Speaker Newt Gingrich is the most qualified man in America to run as president of the United States.”

Billy SundaySince then, other dead evangelicals have been lining up to add their two cents.

Billy Sunday, the fiery preacher from the Prohibition era, announced his support for the tee-totaling Mormon Mitt Romney, adding he hoped it would help the nation “serve the tyrant King Alcohol no longer.”

Jonathan Edwards sent out a blistering indictment of  Gingrich, claiming he hoped to see him “dangling by a spider’s thread over the flaming coals of hell” before taking any elective office ever again.

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Ugly Christian Band of the Week: Rootdown

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Skippy R

Rootdown
Rootdown is a band from Eugene, Oregon, that got together when one guy heard another guy’s songs on MySpace. That tells me they’ve been around a while. The band performs feel-good raggae-style music. It’s “the kind of music you can’t fake or learn in school,” says lead singer Pdub.

I tried to learn math in school, and even tried to fake it, without success, so I know where they’re coming from.

Anyway, guys, let’s get down to business. What’s with the shiny pants? Did your jeans get wet or something? Is it some kind of reference to your new CD, Tidal Wave? If so, shouldn’t you also be unconscious and covered with mud and debris?

RootdownAt right is a photo of the group just before the tidal wave hit. They’re  purposefully ignoring the local Pacific Tsunami Warning System alarms, tempting fate.

Bottom Line: At the very least, Rootdown’s shiny wet-pants outfit on their CD cover violates the first rule of rock band safety — don’t electrocute yourself.

I suspect we won’t be hearing any more from Rootdown, unless they dry off or unplug their instruments first.

The Ugly Christian Band of the Week feature reviews the most important aspect of any Gospel/Christian music group—its fashion style.

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Rick Perry Devotional: I need a new theme song

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Skippy R

Editor’s Note: Gov. Perry is our guest devotional writer.

Focal Passage: Psalm 68:4– “Lift up a song for Him who rides through the deserts, Whose name is the LORD, and exult before Him.”

Prayer Time With Perry

Prayer Time With Perry

The church has been defined throughout history by its great hymns. “Jesus Loves Me” is my favorite, which I learned in my youth.  The same goes for political candidates.  Mitt has “Born Free,” which I don’t even get really, because its about a lion, right?  Ron Paul gets to hear the Darth Vader theme at his rallies (wish I’d thought of that).

I’ve been using “American Ride” by Toby Keith, but the whole country-western thing doesn’t seem to be working, not even here in South Carolina. People are sayin’ I’m a lightweight. I need a different “ride,” something more dramatic, something with gravitas.

Wasn’t Richard Wagner from western Bavaria? I remember  “Ride of the Valkyries” from that Vietnam War movie, and I kinda liked it. That would tie together my roots in the Old West with a leitmotif suggesting power and mystical dominance. Plus I’d have Valkyries on my side, the female figures who decide who falls and dies in battle. Heh, heh. Thank you Lord– I’m back in the saddle!

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Tim Tebow choice of evangelical cabal to derail Romney

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Skippy R

Evangelical conservative elites gathering in Brenham, Texas, this weekend to find an alternative to Mormon candidate Mitt Romney finally agreed on their choice two minutes after the conclusion of the Denver Broncos’ overtime win against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Tim Tebow“It’s Tim Tebow, definitely,” said Judge Paul Pressler, best known for crafting the fundamentalist takeover of the Southern Baptist Convention.

“When we watched him take a knee after the overtime victory, many of us were weeping, openly and unashamedly,” Pressler confessed.

A teary-eyed James Dobson interrupted: “His 316 yards passing aligned so perfectly with the  John 3:16 scripture marked into his eye black that the voice of God was obvious. And that’s not counting the fact that he stopped the liberal, jobs-killing playoff bid by the Steelers.”

Gary BuceyBut will Tebow be willing to give up his $9.7 million contract with the Broncos to enter the Republican Primary race ? If not, the group said they would fall back to their No. 2 pick,  politically conservative actor Gary Busey.

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It’s Gossip! Celebrities! Tell-Alls! ALIENS! Diets! DOOM! Divorce! BINGES! Bigfoot! It’s TIME for the 2012

Posted on January 7, 2012 by Skippy R

The Tabroids
(Where we supply the shocking headlines and your imagination does the rest).

REVEALED: Entirely different Mayan glyphs predict Angels win World Series in 2012.

Tebow-Obama-Brangelina-Fergie scandal causes gossip-ocalypse!

Could you smoke 35 e-cigarettes in one hour? She did!

Russian nesting-doll cosmological theory places a tiny Putin at center of universe!

Muscle-building secrets of ingesting medium-grade sandpaper revealed!

HANDY: Man turns discarded VCR into functional pinewood-derby racer!

UNCANNY: Swarm of termites shuts down sawmill’s fusebox, saves tot’s life!

Apparition of Ron Paul appears on granola bar wrapper found in dumpster!

WILD: Alligator swallows iPhone 4S; Siri taunts him into surrendering.

32 Ways to Pimp your Prius!

CRIME: Man jailed for violently shaking his inner child!

WEIRD SCIENCE: Physicists propose new edible string-bean unified field theory!

Tweet your way to disassociation and soul loss!

1973’s Comet Kahoutek! On its way back?

Elvis, pet chupacabra spotted near Memphis suburb!

HEARTBREAK: BatBoy fired from bit part in Dark Knight Rises!

Man, woman almost miss meeting atop Empire State Building!

(OK, Tabroids too trashy for you? You can always visit the British Christian tabloid, The Son. Or The Tabloid Bible. I predict you’ll come running back to our vapid offerings.)

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