Weekly Beastie: Putin, Koch Bros. or Rove?

Today I awoke with dire portents boiling on the horizon of history and a kettle of tea bubbling on the stove. Fox News was all aflutter with primary election wins by Republican candidates in Georgia and Kentucky. Karl Rove was being interviewed, chuckling and hoping no one remembered the Ted Akin debacle in 2012.

But I was only half listening and polishing the dials on the Beastie machine. Beastie had lain dormant and lifeless for several years as history and time washed over us. Beastie blew a gasket from overuse during the 2012 presidential campaign. So I had given it a rest, while I pursued other interests – backgammon, worm farming and Leibniz’ Transcendental Law of Homogeneity.

But duty calls, and it was now time to serve humanity and the Lord by continuing my investigation into the dreaded Number of the Beast.

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin was at the top of my list – can you believe all his shenanigans lately? – but the calculations weren’t there. Even his full name, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, rang no bells with Beastie. Even in Latin, Russian and Hebrew.

I then moved on to domestic politics, and became intrigued by the Machiavellian machinations of the Koch Brothers. But again, every permutation failed to reveal the mystical number. Charles G & David H Koch produced only a 606. Koch Industries a 615. Using Nazorean Gematria, Charles G. Koch gave a 660 when strained through Beastie’s algorithms.

The Koch Brothers

But close is no cigar in this business.

Dejected, I noticed Rove was still talking on TV, chattering about Hillary Clinton’s brain. There was something about his look, a shadow perhaps, just behind his eyes.

I typed in K A R L R O V E and Beastie began to gurgle and spin. Nothing. I added the middle initial for Karl C. Rove. Beastie clattered and spit. This was close – the gematria produced a 630. Filled with a sudden surge of energy and inspiration, I typed in how I thought Rove would introduce himself to God, and Beastie shook, sputtered and wheezed.

Finally! “Karl C. Rove I Am He” produced a gematria of 666. Filled with both horror and elation, I hugged Beastie’s oil-stained casing. Whew! I’ll send out the press release later. It’s time we both had a cup of chamomile tea.