Rev. Joel Osteen’s Resolutions for 2012

I resolve to be more generous. At least, I’ll tip my dental hygienist an extra $50.

I will make every day a Friday, and I will be a better me.

I will smile more.

I will hug every single member of my congregation every day… all 30,000 of them.

I will motivate my followers to build a colossal stone pyramid in the middle of downtown Houston, rising higher than the ancient mighty monuments at Giza, to show them their potential.

I will finally figure out what this “theology” stuff is all about.

I will deny that the glass is half empty by pouring it all out and starting over, this time filling it with soothing Chamomile tea.

I will never stop pursuing my dream of spreading hope based on a gauzy idea of innate human goodness and keeping the “right perspective.”

Did I already say I will smile more?

I will bury my questions, resentments, fears and frustrations even deeper, because to confess them might “speak them into existence,” even though they actually do already exist, but… oh, never mind.

I will be an overcomer anyway, through praise and a variety of altered mental states.