Noah’s Lockdown Quarantine Blues

It was day 123 of the Ark lockdown, and Noah was having trouble finding distractions for his beleaguered family. Not seeing any other faces but their own was starting to wear everybody down, and tensions were running high.

Noah – “Hey, Shem, how about carving this piece of gopher wood into a turtle for me.”

Shem – “I’ve already made 26 gopher-wood turtles. I even carved one piece of gopher wood into an actual gopher. Besides, I’m sick of whittling. Ham, at least, gets to go up on deck and scrub off the barnacles. I’m just… feeling so hemmed in!”

Noah – “Well, all that pacing around should at least get you a good night’s sleep. But you’re making me nervous. Go down and check on the elephants. I felt the ballast shift a little just now.”

Japheth – “Dad, I was just over on the port side downstairs, and we are collecting a massive amount of fur tufts, fur dander and general fur balls. It’s piling up, and my wife can’t stop sneezing. “

Noah – “Well, we’re not authorized to toss anything overboard, so we’ll just have to make do. Maybe you could start stuffing it all into pillows or comforters or something. You know, a craft project might be just what the doctor ordered.”

Japheth – “Well, we finished that scrapbooking project last week, but nobody liked it, and then the goat ate it, so…”

Ham [climbing down the ladder from the deck above] – “Hey, it is BAKING outside and we’re dead in the water. I think I liked it better when it was raining. There’s a very ‘Ancient Mariner’ vibe going on out there now, and…. uh, what’s up? Where’s Mom?”

Noah – “Your mother is resting. I think she said something about this being the ‘cruise from hell’ before she retired. Don’t blame her a bit.”

Shem –  “Dad, I was thinking maybe I could get a pet. A puppy would be fun.”

Noah – “We already have two dogs. We have two of everything.”

Shem – “Then let’s rearrange the furniture again. The feng shui isn’t quite right in here.”

Noah – “We did that three times already.  And the feng shui is gonna to be constantly changing since we’re drifting, Mr. Genius. Just find something productive to do. Be creative.”

Ham – “Let’s pull out the board games again. We never got through that last game of Sorry, and I was winning.”

Japheth –  “Grow up, Ham! And…hey, everybody.  I’m sick of this lockdown, and I feel like I’m going crazy! We missed my birthday last month – but so what – no guests to invite over anyway. The holidays are coming up. Did anybody remember to pack the decorations? No. Not a single ornament or blinking light on this boat. And it’s almost Thanksgiving. Do we have an extra turkey? No. Two turkeys only, to repopulate the freakin’ turkey world.”

Noah – “Whoa, now! We can all still be thankful, son.”

Japheth –  “For what? God just drowned the whole world and ruined my birthday.”

Noah – “Well, we’re all still here, at least. Be thankful we didn’t leave you outside when you showed up late, and all soaking wet.”

[A rustle of feathers and a flapping of wings directs everyone’s attention to the open porthole above.]

Noah – “Ah! It’s the dove I sent out. She’s finally come back!”

Noah cradles the bird in his hands, and picks a sprig of leaf from its claw.

Noah – “Look – there’s life out there! This means the waters are receding. Our lockdown will be over soon! Thank God!”

They all scramble up the ladder to the deck and anxiously scan the horizon.

Ham –  “Darn! Nothing! There’s still just water everywhere you look. “

Japheth –  “This dove – it could just be fake news. What do we know about that bird? Where has she been? All we know for certain is we’re surrounded by endless ocean. Don’t tell Mom, it’ll just get her hopes up for nothing.”

Noah – “A dove with a sprig of green means there’s life out there. So just follow the science, Mr. Grouch.“

Japheth – “The science? When it first started raining, I recall you made us all start carrying umbrellas. Then the 175-mile-per-hour winds kicked in. So much for the science!”

Noah –  “Well, as for me, I’m suddenly hopeful. I’m gonna trim my beard and maybe get Ham to give me a haircut. Also, I’ve been toying with an idea of how to ‘ferment’ grapes. I think it’ll make us a mint once the economy is back up and running. “

“Meanwhile, everybody get back to work – It’s almost time to shovel out today’s dung and then start feeding all these freakin’ animals again.”