Rev. Joel Osteen’s Resolutions for 2012

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Skippy R

I resolve to be more generous. At least, I’ll tip my dental hygienist an extra $50.

I will make every day a Friday, and I will be a better me.

Joel OsteenI will smile more.

I will hug every single member of my congregation every day… all 30,000 of them.

I will motivate my followers to build a colossal stone pyramid in the middle of downtown Houston, rising higher than the ancient mighty monuments at Giza, to show them their potential.

I will finally figure out what this “theology” stuff is all about.

I will deny that the glass is half empty by pouring it all out and starting over, this time filling it with soothing Chamomile tea.

I will never stop pursuing my dream of spreading hope based on a gauzy idea of innate human goodness and keeping the “right perspective.”

Did I already say I will smile more?

I will bury my questions, resentments, fears and frustrations even deeper, because to confess them might “speak them into existence,” even though they actually do already exist, but… oh, never mind.

I will be an overcomer anyway, through praise and a variety of altered mental states.

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Heartwarming Christmas story of the year

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Skippy R

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsT-iOiO4HM
From The Peace On Earth Department: Orthodox and Armenian clerics clash over the boundaries of their jurisdictions inside the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem (BBC Video).

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Top 20 things we’d like to forget from 2011

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Skippy R

• Everything relating to Tim Tebow

Harold Camping

Harold Camping... if only he'd been right.

• Harold Camping

• The Eurozone

• Religious authority figures abusing children

• Rick Perry’s Prayer Rally

• Paula Deen

• Royal weddings

• Hosni Sayyid Mubarak

• The Tea Party

• Charlie Sheen

• That corporations are persons, but fetuses are not.

• Muammar Gaddafi

• “FaceGlat” the ultra-orthodox Jewish Facebook that separates the sexes

• Churches offering free oil changes or discount gas as promotions

• The Crystal Cathedral

• Herman Cain

• Bishop Eddie Long

• The phrase “The war on Christmas”

• Osama bin Laden

• Occupy __________

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We apologize in advance…

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Skippy R

We’d like to apologize in advance for all of Pat Robertson’s soon to be announced predictions for the year 2012:

 • Michelle Bachman will apparently NOT spontaneously combust during a Republican presidential debate in March 2012.

Pat Robertson • Deceased North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il will not suddenly reappear in an exclusive July interview with Rachel Maddow to declare, “The joke’s on you, Yankee imperialist running dogs! I got your axis of evil right here!”

 • A Regent University law school graduate will not be named to the Supreme Court by President Obama.

 • Gog and Magog will not meet in a Mixed Martial Arts title fight in November 2012.

 • Scientists will not prove that AIDS is spread by text message emoticons.

 • A breakthrough in the realm of subatomic physics will not prove that laying your hands on the TV screen can impart healing and riches.

 • Animals around the world will not begin to screech and cackle on Halloween 2012.

 • Archaeologists will not discover the frozen foot of Noah’s son Japheth in the area of Mt. Ararat.

 • A previously unknown paragraph in the U. S. Constitution will not be discovered in a dusty back room of the Library of Congress that forever prohibits women from voting.

 • Vladimir Putin will not detonate a flux compression generator bomb in the atmosphere, producing an electromagnetic pulse that knocks out all TV and radio communication, leaving only Robertson’s CBN network functioning to rally Americans for a counterattack.

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Ugly Band of the Week: Newworldson

Posted on December 22, 2011 by Skippy R

Newworldson
Newworldson plays “speakeasy gospel” music. That’s the band in the photo above. Apparently they just left the speakeasy and are a little “high” floating above the alley. I like the hats, and the look is clean. But there’s one thing I hate about current gospel music style. The “celebrity” member, usually the lead singer, gets all the coolest clothes. For instance, you see he gets to wear a red shirt while all the other band members are forced to wear dingy grey clothes that sort of blend into the background.  That’s just wrong.  Matching jump suits would be more egalitarian. The bio on their website says, “When Newworldson burst on to the scene in 2007, they might as well have ridden into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey.” So I guess the guy in the red shirt is a Jesus-type messianic figure.  Maybe he wrote these incomprehensible lyrics to their song, O Lament:

There’s a gate with a lock and two high walls
All around me are all-seeing eyeballs
And there’s a guard with a gun should I run
Should I run, Should I run?

Yes, I’d say run as quickly as you can from these speakeasy gospel guys and their rigid fashion hierarchy.

[Editor’s Note: Our ‘Ugly Christian Band of the Week’ feature reviews the most important aspect of any Gospel/Christian music group—its fashion & style.]

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