Blind Folly

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Our guest devotional writer is Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney.]

Focal Scripture: “And it came to pass that Alma fought with Amlici with the sword, face to face; and they did contend mightily, one with another.” — Alma 2:29

Actor Clint Eastwood has publicly endorsed me for President, and today I called him up with a big question about my Vice Presidential choice. Here’s my side of the conversation:

Mr. Eastwood? This is Mitt Romney! Yes! So pleased to hear your voice, although it is a little raspy. If you could just speak up a little, please sir.

That’s better. I was so happy to hear you’ve endorsed my candidacy. You said the country “needed a boost” and I wholeheartedly agree.

Listen, Clint — can I call you Clint?  I’ve been wrestling with finding someone to run with me on my ticket, and I confess, no one seems to fill the bill. Rubio, Ryan, Jindal, Christie all seem too bland. No, no — Condi’s not in it anymore. So there goes our diversity card.

Anyway, long story short, my running mate needs to be someone with charisma and swagger, someone with charm but tough as nails, a no-nonsense decider who has name recognition, an “everyman” and yet an individualist, full of pithy,  timeless wisdom but who comes down hard for law and order. And of course someone who can handle a firearm– a nod to our political base, you know. Any ideas?

Oh, well… yes, but I’m afraid Schwarzenegger has a little too much baggage at the moment.  And of course, Charleton Heston has passed on.

The Gatlin Brothers? Wow, now there’s something from.. how exactly would that work? Sort of divide up the responsibilities? Yeah, I’ll get our constitutional lawyers to check into that.

Actually, Clint, I was thinking more along the lines of you.  Running with me. Could you see yourself as my running mate? A “Romney – Eastwood” ticket?

Oh well, sure, an “Eastwood – Romney” ticket would work, too, sort of an alphabetical thing, huh? For the Leave No Child Behind folks. I get it.

Here’s how I envision things. I will be the Eli Wallach character to your Blondie. And Obama could be like the Lee Van Cleef “Angel Eyes” guy. We could play out that whole scene from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly at the convention — remember when the camera jumps around to each man’s eyes during the standoff? I’ll see if we can secure rights to that music, too– the theme by that Italian guy. . .

Hello? I’m sorry, could you repeat that? Offended? Well I can’t imagine why. Of course I value your political judgment, it ‘s just that your status as an icon is what I really need, Clint. I’m an outlier in need of a tether to the heart of America, and you’re it. I…

Clint.. Clint?

Darn. He hung up. Maybe I should have gone with the Every Which Way But Loose scenario instead.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Our guest devotional writer is Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney.]

Focal Scripture: “Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.” — Doctrines & Covenants 78:18

Condi, Condi, Condi. Why couldn’t you just give it a shot, take a chance, step up for America. Now I’ll have to choose between three drab Tea Party white guys. But how to discern the good, the bad and the ugly?

I’ve already got the boring white vote locked up. Darn it, my vice presidential choice should be a window into my soul, an expression of my vision for America.  He/She needs to have some panache, some charisma, i.e — be everything I’m not.

Let’s see. Sen. Marco Rubio has some relatives who are Mormon, so he’s a fit there. He was a former Scientologist, and they’re in the news lately. That’s kind of exotic. He’s from Florida, an important swing state. He’s Hispanic, a Cuban immigrant, so he’ll play well on Telemundo … if not in Arizona.

Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan is an intellectual. He has a bold budget plan. (I just don’t want another Sarah Palin, you know?) But he may be smarter than me. Hmm.

I’m actually leaning toward New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. Not because I like him, but because he’s just so much more substantial to lean on. Some people have gravitas, but he has an actual gravitational pull. Better still, he’s approaching the shape of a perfect sphere — much like one of Plato’s Forms, which exist outside of time and space. Once he gets rolling nothing could stop him. Simple momentum is in his favor.

Of course, I’ve already eliminated Louisiana Gov. Ahmed-Jindal-jab. As if I’m really gonna have a guy from India who looks like an Arab on my ticket.

This is a tough choice. I’m tempted to spring a surprise on everybody, even on my advisors.

Good. Bad. Ugly. Hmm. I think I’m gonna make a phone call. . . .

Next: Clint Eastwood makes my day.