Daughters of the Neanderthals of the Tundra

The Daughters of the Neanderthals of the Tundra,  Wimberly, Texas, branch, elected Mrs. Bettye Cartwright as president of the genealogical society last week. She traces her lineage through the Colonial settlers, to the Royal Stuart line back to Charlemagne, then through Attila the Hun’s cousin to an early offspring of Cain. Before that it get’s interesting, she said in her inaugural address to the club.

Using powerful computational statistical tools, gene-splicing enzymes and microarray analysis techniques, scientists have found the Neanderthal legacy accounts for up to 4% of the human genome among people in much of the world today.

“Turns out, my DNA analysis shows I’m related to Mbwa Shwanashig, a Neanderthal woman living near the Vindija cave in Croatia. That takes my line back to about 45,000 BC, totally crushing the meager 170-year lineage of any of those Daughters of the Republic of Texas meeting down the street. Of course Mbwa was a nearly incoherent savage and barely able to bang two rocks together, but still, it’s all about  a hoary and venerable ancestry, right gals?”