Chicken Soup for the Apocalypse

As I watched coverage of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, with the threat of nuclear war lurking, I was not comforted when televangelist Pat Robertson came out of retirement to tell us that God Himself was pushing Vladimir Putin into this reckless behavior to bring on the End Times.

Really?

The Ukrainians are also certainly imploring God to intervene. In fact, all sides of the conflict are busy enlisting support from the Almighty.

The official Russian Officer’s Handbook, according to a copy captured by the Ukrainians, says, “The Russian army is the bastion against the satanic new world order.”

Russian Orthodox Patriarch Kirill, in a Moscow sermon March 6, endorsed the Russian invasion because, he said, the West essentially requires “gay pride parades,” and any resistance to that is suppressed “by force.”

At the same time, former general Michael Flynn was at a church in Oklahoma explaining that America is engaged in “a spiritual war,” and declared that Nancy Pelosi is “a demon.”

Then the Russian news service Interfax reported that “drops of red” appeared on the icon of the Mother of God at the Cathedral of the Resurrection of Christ near Moscow, “the main church of the Armed Forces of Russia.”

Q-Anon followers are being told that Putin is in fact on God’s side and is actually fighting a clan of “Luciferian pedophiles” who were using Ukraine to enact the Illuminati’s plan to wipe out 90% of the global population.

Yikes!

It was dinnertime, and I took a pot of chicken soup off the stove, but with eyes fixed on the news I absent-mindedly forgot to remove my N95 mask while trying to slurp down a spoonful.

Yech! What a mess.

That’s it! Finally the war, the pandemic, the political antagonism was just too much.

I squeezed the soup out of my mask back into the pot and thought, “This crisis is too complicated to be solved by resorting to the Bible alone. Both sides are using scripture to justify themselves. Scripture needs some help!”

So I took down my trusty old copy of “Chicken Soup for the Soul.” It first came out in 1993, just after the Cold war ended, and was a worldwide best-seller. Surely “Chicken Soup for the Soul” would contain sage advice for troubled times like these.

And sure enough, it did.

– “The dynamics that are required to make any relationship work: Just keep putting your love out there.”

You hear that, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy? I bet if you and Putin just keep “puttin'” the love out there,” you could work this out. For God’s sake, you guys even sort of have the same first name!

– “Take a moment to see what is going on around you right now, right where you are. You may be missing something wonderful.”

Or something bad. But I know it’s hard to see ANYTHING from the other end of that super-long table you’re always sitting at, Mr. Putin.

– “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”

President Putin, you no doubt would love to give Ukraine a big “bear hug” for the “growth” of Russia’s borders, but that’s probably not what this is talking about, sorry.

– “Most everything that you want is just outside your comfort zone.”

Or, for President Zelenskyy, just inside a No-Fly Zone.

– “If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?”

President Zelenskyy, you already had that “perfect” phone call from former President Trump. I bet right about now you’re wishing you’d actually found some dirt on Biden for a few more FGM-148 Javelin anti-tank missiles.

– “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

Huh? Better skip that one.

– “There” is no better than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here,” you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

I think that one’s for you and your expansionist plans, Mr. Putin.

– “Sometimes you dance with a partner, and sometimes you dance alone. But the important thing is to keep dancing.”

Especially if someone is shooting at your feet.

– “When you think you can’t, revisit a previous triumph.”

Like that time you bombed Grozny into the ground during the Chechnya war, right President Putin? Good times!

– “People’s spirits are sick. They are living in resignation, fear and hopelessness. This book will help them rise above it.”

I’m afraid the book will only help Ukraine if they order it in bulk, and use it to thicken up the barricades.

– “If you stake your hopes for a breakthrough on trying harder than ever, you may kill your chances for success.”

Mr. Putin, I bet you were probably really counting on a “breakthrough,” hoping that stalled convoy would sweep into Kiev. Now it’s back to the drawing board.

– “We are all like the clay Buddha covered with a shell of hardness created out of fear, and yet underneath each of us is a ‘golden Buddha’….Much like the monk with the hammer and the chisel, our task now is to discover our true essence once again.”

Unfortunately, we’ll find even our Golden Buddha is hollow inside. At least with a chocolate bunny, you get something sweet first before you discover the inner emptiness.

– “There is no right reaction. There is only your reaction.”

Yep, that’s war for ya.

– “You don’t want to get to the top of the ladder only to find out you had it leaning up against the wrong wall.”

Or maybe it’s more like an Escher drawing, with never-ending ladders going everywhere in impossible ways.

Yeah, I think that’s the answer I was looking for.

I knew “Chicken Soup for the Soul” would be a treasure trove of insight. Next, I’ll analyze “Who Moved My Cheese” for hidden clues about stopping inflation.