It was Tuesday, the usual day when the sons of God came together to present themselves before the Lord as his heavenly council. But because of the pandemic lockdown, everyone was social distancing and working from home, so Jesus suggested they all use Zoom, the video conferencing app, for a virtual meeting.
The Angel Gabriel messaged everybody to say he already had an account, so they could use his, and the meeting could go beyond the 40-minute limit of the free version. [Editor’s Note: Not applicable in eternity, but…]
The focus of the meeting was to be God’s faithful servant, Job.
Jesus: “OK, is everybody here yet? Where’s Metatron?”
Archangel Gabriel: “Late as usual. Do you think the lighting is right for the Lord this time? It was crappy last meeting. When He speaks, we want everybody to focus, not be adjusting their brightness levels.”
Holy Spirit: “Guys, my connection seems to be dicey. But it could just be interference from my electro-magnetic quantum storm. Probly need to turn that off…”
Archangel Michael: “My mic isn’t working.”
Jesus: “Yes it is.”
Archangel Gabriel: “Wait, does anybody know an ‘oldscratch_partySteve’? Who’s that? Zoom’s been getting a lot of trolls lately, trashing people’s meet-ups. Should I let him log in?”
Archangel Gabriel: “Uh, seriously people.”
Jesus: “OK, I think I know who that is. Yes. Let him log in.”
A black rectangle appears on the screen with the name oldscratch_partySteve, then a face pops into view. He’s sipping a cup of coffee.
Oldscratch: “Hello gentlemen! Sorry about my new handle. Just got tired of always typing ‘Lucifer, Son of the Morning, Great Dragon, Old Serpent and Prince of the Power of the Air’ every time. By the way, I’ll be making some notes on the meeting with the chat pop-out feature, in case you’re wondering…”
(Collective murmuring, cross talk and incoherent chatter in the background)
Holy Spirit: “Metatron’s online now – we can start.”
Jesus: “Meta.. what? I can never get his name right. Just who is Metronome again?
Archangel Gabriel: “MetaTRON is identified in Merkabah mysticism with the Ancient of Days in the Book of Daniel and is the final emanation of the “Cause of Causes” who appears…”
Jesus: “OK. ALL RISE!”
God: “Hello, hello! Just keep your seats, folks. Especially those who aren’t wearing any pants! Ha!”
God: “OK let’s do a quick head count. Jesus is here, of course. The Holy Spirit seems to be present but his camera must be on the blink again. Hmm. Metatron, looking mathematical as usual. As you know, in the spirit of openness and diversity, Lucifer has been invited to take his old position on the council for the time being. Just don’t try anything slippery, Bub! OK?”
Oldscratch: “Wouldn’t dream of it.”
God: “By the way, what have you been up to since our last meeting?”
Oldscratch: “Trying to get in some workout time during the lockdown, Your Eminence – walking up and down in the earth, mostly. Big fitness fan, if you remember.”
God: “OK. And representing the entire Heavenly Host, and all our heroic first responders, are the Archangels Michael and Gabriel. Hi guys.”
Archangels Gabriel and Michael (in unison): “We’re honored, Sir.”
God: “So let’s gavel this meeting to order and get down to business. Lucifer, I specifically wanted you here because of your unique talents. Have you considered my servant Job?”
Oldscratch: “Who? I mean, no I haven’t, Sire.”
God: “Lucifer, there’s one thing you do that really irritates me: using those archaic expressions of honor, like ‘Sire.’ I’m picking up a slight hint of irony, like you’re not REALLY honoring me at all, am I right? So, zip it! Anyway, back to my servant Job. He is the most righteous and honest and upright guy on the planet. He hates evil so much that he escheweth it. (See what I did there? I gotcha back on the archaic expressions!).”
Oldscratch: “Yes, Sir …and touché. At any rate, Job may indeed be very ‘well behaved,’ but if you took away his freedom and inflicted on him a horrible pandemic lockdown like we’re experiencing, if you let me touch his bone and his flesh, and disrupt his agendas, force him to go around masked, isolate him from his friends and his Starbucks and his bowling league, he will surely curse Thee to Thy face.”
God: “Hmm. You know, you’re probably right. So the answer is No, I would never think of inflicting such a cruel fate on one of my faithful servants. But since you thought it up, I’ll let you have a few million years of extra solitary confinement at the end of your existence, which should be starting…. [checks watch] oh, pretty soon now. And I warned you about all the smarmy ‘hale fellow, well met’ crap. You’re toast.”
Oldscratch: ” What? BuzzzCHxxzzk… Didn’t quite catch that, Sire – You’re breaking up. …Losing my connection. Sorry, have to catch up with you next time! CHxxzzk…”
God: “Hmm. That guy. What a suggestion! Well, OK, that’s all the business I have. Dang – I never know how to end one of these Zoom things. Over and out?”